Two hearts are beating together

Kartki z pamietnika:

From my diary:

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“The weirdest of days. World, as I knew it, has come to a halt. When I was doing tests, first, second and third, I did not take such possibility in account.I thought I had such experiences ticked, behind me. And here I am, starting over.

Just a week ago Misi admitted that he would want another one and he was trying to talk me into it. “We will be poor but happy” is what he said. I was just laughing at his idea. Because in my plans, dreams, visions I was somewhere else. Our girls grew up a bit, I was supposed to get a profession at last. Besides, I have already given away and sold everything. I;m totally unprepared.

“Najdziwniejszy z dni. Swiat, jaki znalam, zatrzymal sie w miejscu. Gdy robilam testy, najpierw pierwszy, potem drugi, wreszcie trzeci, zupelnie nie bralam pod uwage takiego rezultatu. Myslalam, ze takie doswiadczenia mam juz zaliczone, juz za soba. A tu niespodzianka, zaczynamy od nowa.

Dopiero co tydzien temu Misi mi wyznal, ze chcialby jeszcze jedno i namawial mnie. “Bedziemy biedni ale sczesliwi”- tak mi mowil. Smialam sie z tego wowczas. Bo ja juz w moich planach, marzeniach, wyobrazeniach bylam gdzies indziej. Dzieci nam podrosly, mialam zajac sie w koncu jakas profesja, edukacja. Zreszta, ja juz wszystko rozdalam i wysprzedalam. No zupelnie nieprzygotowana jestem.

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I sent a message to Misi :”OMG”. Just that. He understood. First question: “And what are we going to do now?”. “And what is there to be done? We’ll be poor but happy :-)”. We live in a house now, there’s enough space, we both have jobs, he has just got a raise, we’ll manage. I’m just scared of that lonely fight. Because there’s no mom, grandma, auntie or cuisine around. And all our friends have their own kids, usually small, so it’s not quite the thing to ask them for help with my own. And He works such hours that he’s back when we’re already asleep so we hardly ever see each other. It’s a wonder that we have three kids. And what if I run out of strength and I will have enough and feel like I want to run away? Who will let me to cry it out, to sleep it back, to be alone for a moment? I’m simply scared.

My client told me once that after second child every next doesn’t make a difference any more. I have to stick to that thought 🙂 . Besides, I look at our little pixies and it’s so great that there’s two of them and with such a small age difference, they play together, laugh together. call each other when they discover something or when they fall and get hurt.

I’m telling girls about the baby in my belly. Rosie is just smiling as if with mistrust. Maybe when my belly grows, she will be more willing to believe. Anabel, on the other hand, is saying that she wants the baby in her own belly. I’m explaining to her that when she grows up, falls in love and gets married, then she will have her own baby (and in my mind I hope it will happen in that order). I’m asking if in the meantime she will help me with my baby. She’s starting to numerate how she will hold a baby’s bottle, rock the baby, give him toys, bring me nappies. But after a while she adds: “And when I’m big and have my own baby, will you help me too?”. And she’s looking at me seriously, expectant. I’m saying that when I’m a grandma, I will cook for her, clean, wash and take her baby for a weekend to my house because I know how hard it is to be alone with a little one and with everything else. She’s smiling, satisfied and she is starting to make up names for the baby. “if it’s a girl, I will call her Lucy and if it’s a boy..”. ” If it’s a boy we will call him Michal Piotr as we decided with daddy long time ago and no one has anything to say about that.” My head is filling up already with names for a girl. And again my mom and priest will complain that they’re not polish and sound weird. But I’ll do it my way again and they all will get used to it.

And that’s how enthusiasm and fear fight a battle inside me. Sometimes one win and sometimes other. Emotions, as it is with women, mix up and flare. And He stays so practical. He organized a cot for us already and I haven’t been pregnant even for a month. He asked for a salary rise and he got it. He’s saying something about a bigger car already. And somewhere between all of it, he says he loves me very much and everything will be all right. ”

Misiemu wyslalam smsa: “OMG”. Tylko tyle. Zrozumial. Pierwsze pytanie: “I co my teraz zrobimy?” . “Aco tu jest do robienia. Poczekamy a potem bedziemy biedni ale szczesliwi :-)” . Mieszkamy teraz w domku, miejsca jest pod dostatkiem, mamy prace, On dopiero co podwyzke dostal, damy rade. Tylko tej samotnej walki sie boje. Bo zadnej mamy, babci, cioci ani kuzynki w poblizu. A wszyscy przyjaciele maja swoje dzieci, czesto male, wiec o pomoc nie wypada prosic. A On pracuje takie godziny, ze wraca gdy my juz spimy, tak, ze ledwo sie widzimy. Az dziw, ze my tu trojke dzieci. A co jak juz sil zabraknie i bede miala dosyc i chiala uciec. Kto mi sie da wyplakac, odespac, pobyc samej ze soba? Boje sie zwyczajnie.

Klientka powiedziala mi kiedys, ze po drugim, kazde nastepne nie robi roznicy. Chyba uczepie sie tej mysli 🙂 . Zreszta patrze na moje dwa chochliki i jak juz fajnie, ze sa dwie i roznica wieku mala, tak sie razem bawia, smieja, wolaja sie nawzajem gdy jedna cos odkryje albo gdy nabije guza.

Mowie dziewczynkom o bobasku w moim brzuchu. Rosie tylko usmiecha sie jakby z niedowierzaniem. Moze gdy juz mi brzuszek urosnie, to bedzie bardziej sklonna uwierzyc. Anabel natomiast mowi, ze ona chce w swoim brzuszku bobaska. Tlumacze, ze jak urosnie, zakocha sie i wyjdzie za maz to bedzie miala wlasne dzieciatko ( a w duszy mam nadzieje, ze to sie w takiej kolejnosci odbedzie). A tymczasem pytam czy mi pomoze przy malenstwie. Ona z entuzjazmem mowi, ze bedzie trzymac butelke, kolysac, podawac zabawki, przynosic pieluche. Ale po chwili dodaje: “A jak ja bede duza i bede miec mojego bobasa, to ty mi tez pomozesz?” . I patrzy na mne powaznie, wyczekujaco. Mowie, ze jak ja bede babcia, to jej ugotuje, posprzatam, wypiore i na weekend malucha zabiore, bo wiem jak to ciezko samemu caly czas z malenstwem i ze wszystkim. Usmiecha sie, jakby rozumiala i zaraz bierze sie za wymyslanie imion. “Jak bedzie dziewczynka, to Lucy, a jak chlopczyk..” . “A jak chlopczyk to Michal Piotr” jak juz dawno  z tatusiem ustalilismy i nikt nic nie ma do gadania. Mi juz glowa zapelnia sie pomyslami imion dla dziewczynki. I znowu mama i ksiadz beda mi narzekac, ze nie polskie, ze dziwaczne. A ja znowu zrobie po swojemu i sie jakos wszyscy przyzwyczaja.

I tak entuzjazm i strach walke we mnie tocza. Czasem jedno wygrywa a czasem drugie. Emocje, jak to u kobiety, mieszaja sie i buzuja. A On tymczasem taki praktyczny. Lozeczko juz nam zalatwil a jeszcze misiac w ciazy nie jestem. O podwyzke zaraz poprosil, i dostal. O wiekszym samochodzie wspomina. Miedzy tym wszystkim rzuca jeszcze, ze On bardzo mnie kocha i bedzie dobrze.”

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